Saying yes to please others seems harmless, but it’s a hidden pitfall. Pleasing Doesn’t Just Harm You—it wounds the connections with the people around you. Curious how? Uncover four unexpected reasons it backfires on them, and how to start breaking the cycle now.
Much has been written and discussed about acting out of a need to please and the difficulty of setting clear boundaries—both in personal relationships and in the workplace. And for a good reason! A 2024 study found that 60% of people struggle to say no to others, even when they don’t want to agree. When this happens, we find ourselves conforming to others’ expectations, often at our own expense.
Beyond the obvious reasons why people-pleasing and a lack of boundaries are detrimental—such as compromising our true desires, experiencing relationship burnout, and feeling increasingly invisible—I want to offer a different perspective.
Most of the time, we view people-pleasing as a problem that harms us personally, especially in the long run. But today, I want to talk about how pleasing actually hurts the other person as well.
We tend to please others because we believe that if we don’t, they’ll be disappointed, hurt, or even offended. Often, we make this choice to avoid future guilt or discomfort. But what if I told you that, in reality, people-pleasing doesn’t ease the burden for the other person—it actually harms them?
4 reasons why people-pleasing negatively impacts the other person in a relationship:
1. Doing someone a “favor” kills my genuine enthusiasm
Imagine your friend suggests going on vacation together to a destination they love. Even though the destination doesn’t excite you, you agree out of reluctance to say no. But then, from the very start, you find yourself lacking enthusiasm, or even feeling hesitant. The connection—to the place, to the experience, and even between the two of you—feels less natural. Without intending to, you’re creating distance.
In simple terms, you chose to “do them a favor” and say yes, but in doing so, you denied them the opportunity to experience your genuine enthusiasm—something that fosters real closeness. Whether out of discomfort or fear of hurting them, you end up damaging the relationship by not staying true to your authentic desires.
2. Taking full responsibility prevents others from being there for us
When we please others, we avoid testing how they would truly respond, essentially making a decision on their behalf. We carry the emotional and physical burden alone, hide our feelings, and, in doing so, deny others the opportunity to be true partners in the relationship.
For example, if I tell my partner “yes” and agree to meet with friends I don’t enjoy, she has no idea that I’m not having a good time. She doesn’t get the chance to take my feelings into account, suggest an alternative, or share the weight of the decision with me. Instead of fostering a sense of togetherness, my choice to please creates a growing sense of distance—especially since I take full responsibility without allowing her to be part of the process.
3. The story I tell myself runs the show—so the other person never gets to know the real me
One of the most important realizations is that our fear of others’ reactions is often based on assumptions rather than facts.
What if the colleague asking me to swap shifts is actually assuming I’ll say no and just wanted to check? What if they don’t even care that much about the request, and I volunteered to say yes? Many times, when we challenge our assumptions, we realize that the story we created in our minds was exaggerated or disconnected from reality.
Not only that, but by pleasing others, I miss out on an opportunity to reveal more of my true self. Perhaps I could have used the moment to share a hobby that conflicts with their request, talk about my family, or explain my personal priorities. When I constantly choose to please, I deny the other person the chance to really see me.
4. The silent explosion: a sudden relationship breakdown
When we choose to please others, it might seem like we’re saving ourselves a headache in the short term. But over time, we accumulate frustrations that remain unspoken—until they explode.
The problem is that the other person has no idea what happened. What may feel to us like a natural buildup of frustrations appears to them as an unexpected outburst.
For example, a manager who has asked you to take on another task won’t understand why, this time, you suddenly lash out or react with anger—because they weren’t aware of all the times you previously silently complied and suffered. Friends or partners might feel that the crisis in the relationship came out of nowhere, not realizing that you had been hiding your feelings all along.
This is exactly what makes people-pleasing so destructive: the other person wasn’t part of the problem—so they also don’t know how to be part of the solution.
So how can I reduce my tendency to please?
First, it’s important to recognize that, although people-pleasing may seem like the easiest way to maintain closeness, it actually creates distance in the long run. It blocks genuine sharing, prevents authenticity, leads to pent-up frustration, and ultimately results in a much bigger crisis than the one we tried to avoid in the first place.
Second, we must understand that we don’t please others for their sake, but for our own. We fear dealing with rejection, anger, or discomfort, and in an attempt to avoid these emotions, we choose what seems like the easiest way out in the moment.
Breaking free from people-pleasing is a long journey because it requires us to change ingrained behavioral patterns. However, once we become aware of why we do it and realize that it actually damages our relationships instead of improving them, we may find even more motivation to work on changing this habit.
Here are four questions to ask yourself next time you’re about to people-please:
- Am I acting out of a sense of “doing a favor” for someone? And if so, who am I really doing it for?
- Is this choice bringing me closer to or pushing me away from the other person? In the short term? In the long term?
- Will this request stay with me as lingering frustration in our relationship later on?
- Am I allowing the other person to truly see me and be there for me?
When you evaluate your choices with a broader perspective, rather than just in the moment, you might arrive at a different answer. Especially now that you’ve read this article, you can no longer tell yourself that you’re doing it for the other person or for the sake of the relationship.
Now you know the truth—people-pleasing doesn’t just hurt you. It hurts them, too.
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